Judgement and Asking for what we want

Well, it happened - that thing that I've been dreading and wondering how I would react. The good news is that no one was murdered or even injured, despite my instincts. We started a swim class at the YMCA on Saturday morning for 18-30 month olds. Most of the time I'd say that you can't just look at Gus and know that he is special needs but when he gets excited he does go all spastic and kind of wave his hands around in a jerky way and make this noise that I guess isn't quite typical. I'd never really thought about it before. But he got that way as they were handing toys out towards the end of the swim class and one of the other moms gawked at Gus. Not one of those, "Hmm, that seems different" observation sort of looks but a, "Oh my gosh! What is that boy doing and gosh I'm glad MY son doesn't do that!" rude way. Seriously, I think I have a tendency to err on the side of thinking the best about people and their actions but this was overboard obvious even to me that is was just mean-spirited. Instead of punching her in the face, which was my initial instinct, I just turned myself and Gus away from her and waited for the teacher to get to us with the toys. But it has bothered me so much ever since and kind of consumed my thought processes the rest of the weekend.

1) I was having a hard time at class anyway because the very first activity was to have the kids stand on the side of the pool and jump into the parents' arms. And things didn't get much better from there. Gus had a great time but I really struggled with trying to do what the class was doing.

2) If I hadn't been having a hard time and having to put all of my effort into NOT punching her in the face, it might have been a great moment to do some education or something with her so I've been trying to think what else I could have done that might have been constructive but so far I'm coming up empty and just keep thinking this is how bullying starts - with parents like this modeling judgmental behavior that gives their kids permission to look down upon others and treat different kids as a "less than". But that makes me even more wish I knew what the answer was to help break that pattern NOW while this lady only has a 2 year old. What would YOU have done?

3) If Gus wasn't having a hard time and didn't notice the lady staring at him, then why am I obsessing over it? Isn't it just my problem then and I should let it go - focus my energies on things that my son does need?

I don't know. I'm still working through some conflicting thoughts and emotions over this. It's a hard time of year for me anyway thinking back to 2 years ago and wishing I could change the outcome for my boy. Yes, logically I know that there's no use in doing that to myself and yes, we have a lovely child and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I just wish I'd have given him a safer place to grow and develop and I can't help but wonder "what if" on so many things that I did that maybe if I hadn't done them it wouldn't have turned out like this. Most of the time, I really do believe that things are just as they are meant to be and that God is with us. It's just plain hard sometimes so please forgive me for the self-berating and self-pity cycle that is me in early January. It's better this year than it was last year and I'm sure it will continue to get better with time.

On a lighter note, Gus and I get to celebrate our birthdays together this week. We have way too many presents for him but we're just so excited to see him enjoy himself!

He's started using his words to ask for what he wants these days. And that includes things that aren't in his sight now, too, which is a transition for him. He'll say, "Milk!" in the middle of playing. He MUST have his Choo (Thomas the Train) for just about everything including taking it to bed with him, riding in the car, and going down to Grandma's. And, a testament to just how much he runs around to class and therapy, he has been saying, while we are out and about, "I want to go hooooome." He says "home" in the cutest, longing way. He had Help Me Grow (our state's Early Intervention program) on Monday, class Tuesday, and to Fort Wayne for ABM on Wednesday and Thursday.

I was doing some work stuff on my computer earlier tonight while Gus watched some TV and I heard him say, "That's Me!" only to realize he was singing along with the Caillou song. We are so grateful that we don't have to add communication and speech to our list of issues. I delight in hearing him talk and make requests even if it is, "M&M's please, mama!" Now, really, how can I say "no" to that?

Here's the only video we got at ABM this week with Jon Martinez in Fort Wayne, IN. It's not the best angle to be able to see but Gus is pulling himself forward to get to the musical toy. This is how his army crawl looks right now.